Broken
by Dream Keeper
Summary: All of the g-boys are adjusting well to life without war. All except Duo. He gets depressed and starts keeping an online diary. Then someone finds out he was a gundam pilot. So what happens when he's pushed to the edge?


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Dream Keeper: Well folks, standard yada. I do not own Gundam Wing. *sniffs* I wish I did but I don't. The G-boys and girls belong to their respectable owners. I am just using them for this twisted fic. I promise to return them, only slightly worse for the wear when we're through with them. Um... Anything else?  
  
Christa: Okay, again, this is a ONE SHOT, so don't expect anymore. Um...... and its really depressing so if you don't want to read it, go away.  
  
Dream Keeper: That said, we hope you enjoy. Proceed!  
  
"Blah" = speech (no duh!)  
  
/Blah/ = writing  
  
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Dedicated to: All people that have dreamed of a life of happiness in a place where you have not been discriminated against because of because you are different and while striving to find that place, have simply......  
  
Broken  
  
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/I never knew that life could be so hard alone. Once I thought I was better of that way, and now I'm not sure at all. Sometimes I walk so close to the edge, I'm not sure that I haven't already gone over it. Just how can someone judge their own sanity, especially when they're a gundam pilot?/  
  
Duo peered through the darkness to see if his friend was still awake. Heero was sleeping across the room from him in his dorm room bed. To the untrained eye he looked peaceful and blissfully unaware of the world but Duo knew better. His friend was a trained killer and there was never a moment he let his guard down. He even still slept with a gun under his pillow.  
  
Knowing that he was at least safe for the moment from prying eyes, Duo shrugged and tuned back to the computer. He didn't think that anyone knew about his online journal, but one never knew. Before everything had ended, everything he wrote had to be carefully thought about and gauged for information before he could publish and all words indicating what he was had to be disguised. Gundam pilot, for example, was hidden under the code snowboarder. Now he was free to write what he wished.  
  
/Even surrounded by people I am alone. My friends don't truly understand me, no matter that they might claim otherwise. Even though the damned war is over, there is still pressure on us. Some people come after us asking for the gundams, which we've destroyed, others come asking for help to lead their cause. Its all so petty that its revolting. People have peace now, why do they want to loose it again to the grips of war?/  
  
/I'm not sure that I'm making any sense. Truly I don't know who my parents were. A guy named Solo found me wandering around ask a kid and took me in. A plague whipped through our colony not long after I was old enough to understand death and it killed a good number of my friends. I stole the vaccine from the rebels, but it was too late for Solo. He joined the rest and left me as the leader./  
  
/Most people wouldn't think that its so bad, but the leader is always alone. When you're trying to figure out what to do that won't get someone killed, you start to feel a lot of pressure. I guess that's why I hate war so much. Its made me the way I am. I'm a messed up kid, in a messed up world that no longer has a use for me. I guess you could say that I'm obsolete now. So what does an obsolete person do now?/  
  
/Mood: troubled./  
  
Duo signed off the computer and shook his head. Always he'd been able to put a smile on his face and perform the way he was expected to. He's always been perky and happy and generally annoying. No one had bothered to question how he could be that way, even in the midst of a massacre. They'd just accepted it as how he was. They never knew that it really had all been an act. He'd been scared to death the whole time and had adopted the role as a way to keep everyone from seeing it. And it had worked. Too well.  
  
With a sigh he stood up and walked over to his bed. He didn't bother to undress, just flopped into it fully clothed and tried to sleep. But even there, in the arms of Morpheus, he was troubled by his demons. And in his dreams his cherub mask would slip, and he would revert to the frightened little boy he really was.  
  
~*~  
  
Duo sat up with a scream after a particularly bad nightmare. He was shaking and cold sweat poured off his body, dampening the sheets beneath him. His eyes flew wildly around the room but saw nothing as he was blinded by terror. Only the prescience of his friend gave him any solace.  
  
"Duo, wake up, you're just experiencing a nightmare," Heero said calmly in his monotone voice. Sanity came back to his friends' eyes and he was surprised when Duo latched onto him like a lifeline and buried his face in his chest. Soon Duo's trembling stopped, only to have something else take its place. Heero soon identified it as suppressed sobs. Knowing how many times he'd woken up in the same state and had Duo to comfort him, Heero repaid the favor in kind.  
  
After a while Duo's breathing slowed and his body relaxed into the lethargic state it took on in sleep. Carefully Heero lowered his friend back down onto his bed and covered him up. Only as he moved away did he notice his friend's arms searching for something. Wondering what it could be he walked back over and stepped on something soft and furry. When he picked it up a small, furry teddy bear started back at him. It was old and worn, but obviously much loved.  
  
With a slight smile Heero tucked it into the crook of his friends arm and went back to his own bed.  
  
~*~  
  
/I don't remember much of last night, but it must have had some effect. Heero's acting more human today than he ever has. When I asked him about it, he just replied that some of my innocence has rubbed off on him. What could he have meant by that?/  
  
/I still don't know why I let Quatre talk me into this. I'm sitting here at a private school trying to learn to be something. Originally my friends made the suggestion that I study to be some kind of cleric, but they don't understand how blackened my soul is. I could never be a man of God. I am Shinigami. There is nothing else I can be. So now to appease them I am studying to be a computer engineer. I'll probably end up with the Preventers, stuck in a dusty corner someplace hidden behind mounds of paperwork, but that's fine./  
  
/Quatre and I fought today. It's the anniversary of the day his dad and sister died. He was in a real melancholy mood, so I tried to cheer him up. He ended up snapping at me and yelling that I didn't understand what it was like to be him. He'd lost his father for Allah's sake, and his sister. There was nothing I could ever do to understand what that was like./  
  
/Being me I got extremely angry and ended up shouting back. I don't know why I lost it after all this time, but I did. I ended up yelling to him about him being lucky, and its true. He actually HAD a family. I never got a chance. The closest thing I had was Solo, and he did. Then I had Father Maxwell and Sister Helen. They were ripped away from me also. So no, could never understand what it was like to have a family./  
  
/It really shut him up. Now I'm afraid that I may have driven my friend away from me. He didn't look at me at all today. That's fine I guess. Anyone I get close to gets hurt anyway. I guess that's why I never made a move with Relena. I mean, besides the fact that she's Heero's. I love Hilde, but she's really more of a sister or something./  
  
/I had someone else come up to me today asking about my buddy 'scythe. I lost it and socked him. I think I broke his nose. Hope so, because now maybe they'll leave me alone. I can't stand it anymore, trying to act normal in a world that won't accept me. Especially if they really knew what I was./  
  
/I guess I should just out and out say it. I'm a cutter. There, happy? Maybe it's the first step to my so-called recovery. I've been reading stuff, debating on weather to ask for help, but I've decided not to. All the stuff I ream makes me understand that not even a doctor would understand it. They all seem to think that it's a suicide bid, but its not. I just do it to keep hold of my little bit of insanity./  
  
~*~  
  
Duo stared at Quatre in horror, though he masked it well. Never had he expected that he'd have to face the music so soon. He'd hidden it well before, but now would he really have a chance?  
  
"So you're saying that to pass, I HAVE to take a PE course?" he asked again, to make sure he'd heard right.  
  
"Yes, it's required here regrettably. But it should be easy for you. You're athletic, and you might even get a tan," Quatre jibbed. Duo tossed him a good-humored Roman solute before waving goodbye and walking back towards his dorm room. On his way back he saw Wufei pacing around the courtyard, muttering angrily about something. Out of curiosity he decided to see what was up.  
  
~*~  
  
/Great, another horrid day. Quatre and I patched up you could say. He's seeing things a little differently now that he can see past his own problems. Before he wasn't even thinking about the people that never had families. I guess its something he'd never given a thought to before./  
  
/Well, that went fine until he told me I had to take a gym class. That doesn't sound all that bad, does it? Wrong. I don't wear long sleeves because I want to. I've got so many scars I look like a patchwork quilt. A number of them I can write off as scars from battle and training, ect. The problem really is the ones that overlie those. They're at odd angles, and too thin to have been made by anything but a knife. So what am I supposed to do now?/  
  
/No one would understand at all if I told them. Wait, I said that in the last entry, didn't I? Oh well, its still true, especially of Wufei. I may have changed him a bit today though. He was ranting and raving about the injustice of having to take a PE class that he could top everyone in anyway. It was so self centered and arrogant that I got sarcastic with him. Whoever said that sometimes sarcasm works better than negotiations was right./  
  
/I simply pointed out that his perception of the world was only due to the fact that he could see everything that was ever likely to happen and so knew that he was being given the short end of the stick. He stopped and looked at me like I'd hit him or something before going off to meditate. I'll see tomorrow if I just pissed him off./  
  
/Someone was actually looking at this and asked how long I'd been a cutter. Well truly since Solo died. I couldn't take the pressure and the emotional strain, so I got rid of it. And now I'm addicted. I can't get away from it because I never learned to handle stress in a proper way. So now I am doomed for failure./  
  
~*~  
  
Duo looked up from the book he was reading to see who's shadow had fallen over its pages. Wufei was standing there and for the first time in a long time he wasn't scowling. Surprised, he placed a bookmark between the pages and closed the novel.  
  
"What's up Wufei?" he asked, pasting a smile on his face.  
  
"I came to think you Maxwell. I haven't been able to see the world from this view in a long time. It's refreshing not to have to worry about justice anymore," he said before turning and quickly walking away. Duo just blinked in surprise and stared after his departing friend. Then the clock chimed, telling him that it was time to go to class.  
  
"Great, why the hell did it have to be gym?"  
  
~*~  
  
/Well, today wasn't as bad as I thought until I got on here. I'll get to that in a minute though. Gym wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it wasn't good either. I took long pants and a tank top into the locker room because I don't have anything else. Even in the summer I tend to wear long sleeves and pants. Well, Trowa saw me when I took my shirt off, even though I tried to keep out of sight and just silently handed me his T-shirt instead and took my top./  
  
/I wonder if he knows? I doubt it. He probably just took pity on me because I looked so nervous. It wasn't this bad when I was a g-boy. The mechanics never questioned what I wore and I was always able to keep people from seeing my body. It wasn't that hard, seeing as the lighting was almost always bad. When I actually wore something other than my normal attire it was usually to sleep and no one glanced at me twice. The one person who did notice was fine with it, because he was the same as me. Sadly he did from cancer a few weeks after we met./  
  
/Anyway, some of the guys asked about the burn scars on my lower arms but I wouldn't answer. I can't talk about the Maxwell Church Incident with anyone somehow. So now they've all assumed that I had parents and that they did something horrific to me. Right about when they said that my mask slipped and I just looked away. I couldn't come up with a cocky answer or anything. I just went... cold. I know Trowa noticed because he asked me about it afterwards. I just pasted on a smile and said I was fine./  
  
/I guess it I true in a way. Fine means something along the lines of "Fully insane emotional nutcase," if you switch the last two letters. That's what I am. I hate it. Now I have to figure out a way to keep everyone from noticing the cuts on my forearm. Maybe I can go the mechanics shed for a while tonight and come out patched up. It wouldn't be hard to open them up again so they bleed. Then it'll look like I cu myself on something there./  
  
/The only thing journal is that now everyone is sending me hate mail. I don't understand quite why, but then again I don't want to. I just wish everyone would stop and leave me alone. I'm just a teenage kid, like most of you probably are. I didn't ask to be what I am. I was made that way by war. Are you trying to drive me over the edge? Because I'm warning you all, I'm close. I'm a wreck and I don't need much more prompting. Please stop, or my friends will get hurt./  
  
~*~  
  
Duo walked into the principal's office bloody from a dozen gashes on his body and sat down heavily in a chair. The other five boys waited outside while he was interrogated but they were assured of their victory already. The principal was a known activist to keep soldiers away from "normal people" and Duo was certainly one of the worst soldiers of all.  
  
"Let me get this straight, you were just trying to score a touchdown with the football when they started beating you?"  
  
"Yes ma'am. It was tackle football and they used that to get me down first."  
  
"Well, that certainly doesn't sound like something any of these boys would do. Are you sure that you didn't provoke them in some way?"  
  
"I'm fairly certain, ma'am." Duo replied. He was just getting ready to tell her what they'd said when a soft tap was heard at the door.  
  
"Come in," the woman said. Trowa quietly opened the door and stepped into the room. "What is it you need, I'm busy," she told him curtly.  
  
"I came in here to tell you that Duo didn't start the fight," Trowa said calmly as he took the seat next to his friend.  
  
"I find that hard to believe, given his actions last week to that poor man."  
  
"Duo had his reasons," Trowa said.  
  
"And those were?" she prompted, looking intently at Duo.  
  
He just sighed and formulated a quick answer. "That guy had been hounding me for weeks wanting to buy something I don't have and he wouldn't believe me or take no for an answer."  
  
"I see," she said, leaning back in her chair. It surprised him that she didn't probe farther but she probably already had enough information. "And do you have any idea what may have prompted the attack?"  
  
"The fact that I'm different," he replied quietly.  
  
"Different how?"  
  
Duo looked to Trowa for help but his stoical friend gave him no answers. At the barely polite cough the woman made Duo looked back at her and said bitterly, "People like them don't seem to appreciate bastards and their ilk."  
  
"Ah," the woman said. It didn't sound reassuring somehow. "You may both leave now."  
  
Duo and Trowa both got up and bowed politely to her, as was custom in the school, and walked out the door. Neither of them looked at the five boys who were sitting just outside the door. In fact, they ignored them entirely. Duo kept his happy nature routine up and chatted away at Trowa as they walked down the hall. That is, until one of the boys shouted out, "You damned gundam pilot!"  
  
Duo was so shocked and angry that he tripped and nearly sprawled on his face. When he had his balance back he whipped around, his braid lashing behind him with the movement like a demon's tail. His vision turned red with how angry he was but a strong hand on his shoulder brought him back to himself.  
  
"Don't give them the satisfaction," Trowa said quietly as he pushed a pressure point and forced him to turn back around and resume walking. Taunts followed them down the hall but neither of them reacted. Duo for the most part just started straight ahead, not even pretending to be cheerful.  
  
~*~  
  
"So now they know he's a gundam pilot?" Heero asked  
  
"Yes," Trowa confirmed.  
  
"And just how did they come across this information?" Wufei demanded as he paced the room.  
  
"I don't know. You'd have to ask Duo," he replied. All eyes turned to where Quatre was patching him up. Duo was a right mess but he took ever little thing as if he couldn't feel it. Even when Quatre gave him stitches on his arm he didn't flinch.  
  
"I don't know how exactly they came across the information," Duo told them quietly.  
  
"But they did get the information?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What are we going to do now?" Quatre asked. "People won't accept us, even if we did help to stop the war."  
  
"You mean that people won't accept him," Heero said after a long pause.  
  
"Meaning?" Wufei prompted.  
  
"That we ignore the problem. We wash our hands of him for now. it'll be chaos if all of us are discovered. This way it'll look as if we've abandoned him because of what he is. It'll also save the Winner's reputation." Heero's eyes showed that he didn't like the idea but everyone knew he was right.  
  
"Some people have been talking about turning he over to the authorities," Trowa said. "And if they got their hands on a gundam pilot there's no telling what they'd do."  
  
"Then its settled," Wufei said decisively.  
  
"But is it right?" Quatre wanted to know, glancing from them to Duo and back again.  
  
Duo for his part decided to end the battle. "Of course its okay Q-man!" he told him, adopting his cheeky attitude for the moment. "As soon as this dies down and people accept me for what I am, I'll probably be okay to be seen with you again. Go on, your reputation is at stake."  
  
"But Duo, I don't want you to be hurt," Quatre said, still hesitating.  
  
"Its okay Q. I don't feel hurt," Duo said as he shooed them out the door of the dorm. He knew Heero would be staying with Wufei from then on. As soon as he'd gotten them out of the dorm and the door safely locked behind them he dropped his act altogether.  
  
Across the room his computer blinked and he walked slowly over to it and accessed his journal. Once signed in he prepared his last entry.  
  
/Well, I just told Q that I wouldn't feel hurt. Truth is I don't feel anything anymore. Congratulations to you people, you've gotten what you wanted. You've captured yourself a gundam pilot and effectively clipped his wings. I used to have friends, and now I don't. That's the way they are. Even after all this time, if one of us becomes a liability, the others drop hi as quickly as they can. They always run from their problems, or ignore them./  
  
/Well, this time I'm the problem. Somehow all I want to do right now is slit my wrists, but that would give you all too much satisfaction. I'm glad of one thing though. All of my friends are adjusting to this new world just fine. A world without war, right? Maybe. But not a world without discrimination. One act of decency is not enough to save a man from his sins, but one sin is enough to condemn him. Is that truly right, or is that just humanity?/  
  
/I guess all I'm saying is, yes, I'm different in some ways. I didn't kill because I wanted to though, I killed because I had to. If I had the choice, I'd have run. Maybe that's what I'm still doing is running, but I don't know anymore. I'm adrift in a sea of chaos and there is no hope for me getting back to my island now./  
  
/I am beyond repair, thanks to you. I'll go on living my life, if that's what I can call it, but one thing is for certain that can never be fixed. I'd love to scream and cry and curse you all to the bottom of hell, but I cannot feel anything anymore./  
  
/............/  
  
/............/  
  
/I am broken./  
  
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Dream Keeper: Well, hope you liked it. Its something that's been bugging us for the last few months, but we haven't been able to write it. Guess we just got the proper prompting recently. Anywho, that's life.  
  
Christa: Yeah, oh and please don't forget to R&R which means read AND REVIEW!!!!!!! Thank you.  
  
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